Hamster FAQs

Q: How big is a hamster?
A: Big enough to get the job done.

Q: How can I tell if my hamster is pregnant?
A: Has she gotten fat? Does she want you to drive her to Planned Parenthood, but she wants you to wait in the car? Then it's safe to assume she's pregnant.

Q: My hamster has escaped! How can I find it?
A: I suggest using a snake. They are really good at finding hamsters.

Q: How long do hamsters live?
A: Not very long, usually only about 3 years. But it could be even less if your hamster does a lot of crack.

Q: My hamster has two rough spots on her back. What's up with that?
A: If your hamster weren't such a whore and always laying on her back she wouldn't have those rough spots.

Q: What are some good treats to give my hamster?
A: Hamsters, like all living things, love bacon.

Q: Is it normal to have my hamsters teeth fallout sometimes?
A: No, this is called meth mouth and your hamster has a real problem. Going off meth cold turkey is hard, but your hamster needs to do it.

Q: Yuck! Should my hamster be eating his poop?
A: Fuck no! What's wrong with you that you even have to ask this question? Would you eat your poop? Then why should your hamster?

Q: How old is my hamster?
A: Does he like to tell stories about walking uphill in the snow to school and complain about how loud your music is? If yes, then he's really damn old.

Q: Do hamsters make good sex toys?
A: No, you fucking pervert. You're thinking of gerbils.

Q: What do hamsters like to drink?
A: Hamsters prefer Olde English 800, but will drink any other malt liquor if you don't have OE on hand.

Q: Do hamsters get lonely?
A: Yes, they do. You should not let this happen because loneliness can lead a hamster down a dark path. He will probably turn to hookers to fill the void in his soul. And hookers can lead to STDs and no one wants to deal with hamster herpes.

Q: Why shouldn't I dry my hamster in a microwave?
A: Because the dryer is the proper place to dry a hamster. Toss him in with a dryer sheet and he'll come out all fluffy and warm. Hell, he'll even smell good for a day or two.

Q: What hamsters play in professional sports?
A: You haven't heard of Nutters the hamster? He was the first hamster to go pro in wheel running back in 1978. He really broke through the glass ceiling created by species profiling.

Q: I just got a very shy hamster. Is there any way to get it to come out?
A: Have you tried to tell it that you'll accept any sexual decision it makes? How about hanging up a rainbow flag near the cage? Maybe take it out dancing to a gay club? Is it a boy hamster? Maybe play some Cher. Girl hamster? Try the Indigo Girls.